A Dear Diary Moment

Half the time in my life I don’t feel like a person anymore. I just feel like a shell going through the motions. My soul and sense of self is a castle, being worn down by time and the crushing weight of the stones piled onto each other.

I feel like I’m going crazy, nothing feels real but logic says it is. For most of the day I’m unhappy, but then I’ll snap out of it and feel okay. It’s hard to explain the feeling when the only word you can think of is ‘crazy’; that’s just how I feel, in simple terms. I’m angry out of nowhere, I think bad things, I’m always hungry, I’m confused a lot and I can’t remember things sometimes. Not all of that is relevant, but how can you even start to describe the feeling of ‘going crazy’.

Everything in life is just monotonous, but I have the notion that if I changed anything about my life it would just feel the same.

I introduced my only two friends to each other and now they hang out without me. Which is okay, I guess, since they’re now friends too, but I don’t even get an invite to a night out with them and a couple of others. We have a group message and sometimes they ignore me, then have a conversation amonst themselves.

My boyfriends been chosen to travel to Milton Keynes for a night to go to a conference, with another girl. All I’ve needed to do this year is go away from everything, just for a couple of days, but he never has the money, and now he’s being given a free trip with another girl for 2 days. His boss (who knows me) has lovingly joked about getting them a shared room.

See all of these things are small, and petty, and if I were myself I wouldn’t care. But I’m getting more and more angry and upset as the days go by and I’m worried I’ll do something or bottle it up so much I can’t take it anymore. Once I’ve written this down, it’ll feel completely stupid and unnecessary and I’ll probably want to delete it. I hate anything about my feelings being shown, or talked about, and writing them down isn’t an exception.

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